A Molting Soul

There comes a time to let go. To loosen your white-knuckled grip. To close your eyes and focus on the FEEL of it.

How do you know when it’s time? You feel it. It’s as simple and as complex as that.

I’ve let myself be caught up in a world of lies, deceit, pain, and humiliation and shame for far too long. It took up almost every second of my 37th year.

It’s time now.

I’m letting go. I’m feeling it. And it is moving, stirring in my soul. A bird with new feathers. About to take flight.

A molting soul is a soul reborn and set on fire.

Bitch Slaps & Bowling

I work downtown now. My ex works downtown. We work within walking distance of each other. I’d like to work within bitch-slapping distance. Just for an hour. Jerk.

Despite my aggressive lexicon, I am not bitter about the entire premise of our relationship (me and him#1). I am, however, angry at the shit I did after our relationship ended. I am angry and ashamed. I behaved a bit “creepy stalker”-ish. I know where my actions stemmed from and most had nothing to do with him #1 but with him #2 and the hell I went through.

Him #1 was, in my opinion, a good man making heartbreaking decisions and actions with a hurting and hiding heart. Still a jerk face though. That reminds me…bitch-slapping sounds cathartic.

Him #2 was, in my experience, a drug and alcohol addicted, physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive, broken soul. I have no description of the agony he brought and I allowed. Insert 387,463 bitch slaps here.

Seems my “hims” have something in common. Me. For some time I believed it was they who were broken, the bad guys. That I was merely a victim. I see now that, yes they had their poisons, but I chose to remain with these “hims.”

The common denominator is me. I chose a married man (him #1). I chose a man I knew was dangerous (#2). Details such as “in the beginning I didn’t know he was married” or “he was drunk, he didn’t mean to do it”
don’t matter. They are pathetic and weak. Those are reasons turned into excuses.

I wrote a blog the other day entitled “37-38 Changes” where I wrote of the changes that have occurred between my 37th birthday and my imminent 38th birthday. Sure Him #1 was included. He was a HUGE part of my 37th year. But I also wrote of other changes, changes that were also important and life altering. Like my Life Journey.

Recently, Him #1’s wife and her posse have read my blog. That’s fine. I speak truth. TRUTH. Understandably, this upsets Him #1’s wife. I get it. But, you must understand I do not and will not write any words which are not true to my core. In addition, I will not intentionally hurt anyone. I don’t cater to the whiny, angry wants of those who disagree. You don’t have to like my blog, but you also don’t have to read it. Easy peasy.

I am still on a journey of self discovery and self forgiveness and, ultimately, self love. I examine my heart to ensure I stay on the path out of the woods. I have accountability to heart friends I will lay down my life for. They are my bumpers in the bowling game of life.

So lately, when I look into my heart, I wonder what will I do the next time a Him #1 or Him #2 comes along?

I will love myself enough to aim for the kingpin.

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What I Have To Say To Your Face

For you, dear reader – read slowly.

1. I will write whatever the hell I want.
2. You have no say in what I write.
3. I don’t write to hurt people. I write to answer the urging in my heart. To tell my story. MY story.
4. My story does not need your approval.
5. If you don’t like something you read, don’t read it.

Thank you in advance,
My LifeDay Journey

37-38 Changes

As my 38th birthday quickly approaches I find myself reflecting on the changes since my last birthday. There are many. Most stem from a man I “loved.” Last year, my birthday celebration held a seemingly loving boyfriend meeting my parents, a romantic dinner, and an even more romantically lovely night. All real in those moments. My heart was his.

However, today holds revelation, truth, arduous healing, and an honestly grateful memory and tattoo on my heart. In the aftermath of the ending of our relationship last winter, I behaved in ways I am not proud of. I have gone from love to hate and back again. The difference now is I no longer love him. I love what’s we shared. But it was never real. It was a fantastical love built on a foundation of betrayal. Who he was was never real. I feel indifference when I think of him. Victory.

Another change involves only me and me alone. In the summer I started a journey with the help and guidance of a life-emotional boot camp program. I dove deep into my heart and soul. I cut open the scars and dug out each piece of shrapnel, each fascia of darkness. As someone I know once said “it was the hardest thing I ever willingly did.” I can attest to that. But it was also the most rewarding. Not only did I find the road to healing but I made some lifelong friends whom I will always treasure.

I have also changed jobs. I was burned out at my previous job. I’ve gone from a being an RN in a hospital to working as an RN at a desk for one of the country’s largest insurance companies. I work downtown which I am loving. It was a good choice to make this change. (It doesn’t hurt I got a huge raise too!)

I’ve also been blessed to be able to bond deeper with my oldest two boys. Not an easy thing to do when it involves teenage boys.

This year between 37 and 38 has been a rough, tough, painful, beautiful, growing, blessing of a year.

The last year can be summed up with four words: journey to find myself.

I’m grateful for the journey.

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Back to Blogging: Ten Themes to Inspire You Right Now

Originally posted on WordPress.com News:

Carving out your very own corner on the web is important to you. You may be a brand-new user on WordPress.com — if so, welcome! — or a veteran blogger returning to an old habit. Recently on the Verge, Lockhart Steele, the editorial director of Vox Media, talked about getting back to blogging. On a noisy internet with many platforms, some are bringing their blogs back from the dead and reclaiming their personal turf.

But for me, the web ecosystem will always be bloggy at its core. I’m looking forward to being a part of it again myself.

– Lockhart Steele

No matter what type of blogger you are, these ten themes — ideal for personal blogging and writing — will inspire you: some are simple and understated, while others are bold and modern. Each theme works right out of the box, so you can start publishing right now.

Browse away!

McKinley

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Cleaning Out My Closet

I spent most of this past weekend cleaning out my closet to make room for my new work wardrobe. After more than 12 years in scrubs, I will be wearing business clothes for my new job. I’m excited about buying new clothes and such but having to dress like a normal person who doesn’t work in a hospital is so new and foreign. On one hand, it has been so easy to jump out of bed throw on some scrubs and go. No choosing. No ironing. No fuss, no muss. On the other, I get new clothes!!! Who doesn’t like that?

As I was cleaning out my closet I found items I had forgotten I had such as pictures and mementos, etc. Long lost treasures bringing warm memories or cold jabbing ones, depending on the item and its meaning.

I found items I wanted to keep, the warm hug they gave my heart as I reminisced was worth storing for another hug down the line.

I found items which were really just trash, cluttering the space because I was too afraid to part with them. Sure they were things, but they had meaning, good or bad. I am a natural hoarder. I want to keep things because “I might need them later” or “this reminds me of so and so.” Kind of like my life and relationships. Keeping people around because I might need them later, no matter how cluttered or dirty they made my life. Always afraid to part with things and people – what if I’m all alone? what if I need them later because they are the only people who loved/liked/used me? Insecurity and unworthiness is what housed these things in my closet for so long.

I found items I just didn’t need any longer. Sure they were still useful and in good shape, but they are decomposing, emitting toxic gases in the process.

Digging out the old. Examining the good and the bad and the ugly. The requirements of growth and openness.

The closet in my heart is a little less cluttered thanks to Pathways Core Training. I have been cleaning my internal closet. Out with the old and needless, in with the new and purposeful. I have found a freedom I’ve never known. A freedom to let go. A freedom to feel safe, secure, worthy and powerful! I decide what’s in my closet now. I choose what to keep and what to throw away. I choose what to allow in.

I’m the boss of my closet.

Pathways

Today marks one year of the first time He and I were linked physically and spiritually. In some ways I can’t believe it’s been a year already. And yet it seems so long ago.

He is still in my heart. I feel him. I love him. I miss him. I miss the man with whom I fell in love, who I thought he was, who he pretended to be. Who he was with me. Who I was with him.

Let me be clear, I miss But he was never fully available so I was left with Half of him. A part of him. Pieces. Stolen pieces.

He was a man burdened by brokenness and pain with a huge heart full of need and healing. A beautiful, hurting soul bandaged by temporary distractions. Funny, so was I. Hurting people attract hurting people.

I haven’t spoken to him since January 24th this year. Yes, I know the exact date. I hope he has found what he needed to heal his heart and his soul.

This heartbreak has led me to a life training program. My life has changed and continues to change thanks to this program. I am finding myself after sifting through the ugly and dirty and shameful. And now, those scraps of love I’ve spent my whole life begging for just won’t do.

He couldn’t give me what I needed, he couldn’t be who I deserved. And that’s ok. There is something to be learned from very thing we experience.

Between All of this, I’m taking my power back. I’m living on purpose. I’m accepting no less than the whole.

I. Deserve. It. All.

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