I work downtown now. My ex works downtown. We work within walking distance of each other. I’d like to work within bitch-slapping distance. Just for an hour. Jerk.
Despite my aggressive lexicon, I am not bitter about the entire premise of our relationship (me and him#1). I am, however, angry at the shit I did after our relationship ended. I am angry and ashamed. I behaved a bit “creepy stalker”-ish. I know where my actions stemmed from and most had nothing to do with him #1 but with him #2 and the hell I went through.
Him #1 was, in my opinion, a good man making heartbreaking decisions and actions with a hurting and hiding heart. Still a jerk face though. That reminds me…bitch-slapping sounds cathartic.
Him #2 was, in my experience, a drug and alcohol addicted, physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually abusive, broken soul. I have no description of the agony he brought and I allowed. Insert 387,463 bitch slaps here.
Seems my “hims” have something in common. Me. For some time I believed it was they who were broken, the bad guys. That I was merely a victim. I see now that, yes they had their poisons, but I chose to remain with these “hims.”
The common denominator is me. I chose a married man (him #1). I chose a man I knew was dangerous (#2). Details such as “in the beginning I didn’t know he was married” or “he was drunk, he didn’t mean to do it”
don’t matter. They are pathetic and weak. Those are reasons turned into excuses.
I wrote a blog the other day entitled “37-38 Changes” where I wrote of the changes that have occurred between my 37th birthday and my imminent 38th birthday. Sure Him #1 was included. He was a HUGE part of my 37th year. But I also wrote of other changes, changes that were also important and life altering. Like my Life Journey.
Recently, Him #1’s wife and her posse have read my blog. That’s fine. I speak truth. TRUTH. Understandably, this upsets Him #1’s wife. I get it. But, you must understand I do not and will not write any words which are not true to my core. In addition, I will not intentionally hurt anyone. I don’t cater to the whiny, angry wants of those who disagree. You don’t have to like my blog, but you also don’t have to read it. Easy peasy.
I am still on a journey of self discovery and self forgiveness and, ultimately, self love. I examine my heart to ensure I stay on the path out of the woods. I have accountability to heart friends I will lay down my life for. They are my bumpers in the bowling game of life.
So lately, when I look into my heart, I wonder what will I do the next time a Him #1 or Him #2 comes along?
I will love myself enough to aim for the kingpin.