Intimidate Me

Janna's LifeDay:

I feel this. Beautiful.

Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:

Intimidate me with your words and actions. With your need to be important in my life. Make me feel your anxiety so that it is my anxiety. My pain.

Steal my words and use them against me. Clubbing me in the head with your definition of my interpretation. Bind me tightly to words of yesterday so that my expressions of today mean nothing to you. A blind eye sees nothing when covered.

Intimidate me because you must. Because my freedom outlines your own world of bars. Shatter my spirit and walk upon my broken shell so that you might in turn be inspired. Crushing dreams to create your own.

-OM

View original

The Weight Of Love

Since last May I have worked hard to dig out the old, ugly, painful roots of shame and guilt and brokenness. I have come a long way. I still have work to do.

I am working on the inside – now I wanna see on the outside how I feel on the inside! Soooo… 

 Last November I attended an informational seminar on Bariatric surgery. And in January of this year, I got serious. The journey to this point has been busy but smooth. It has been a clear path thus far. The appointments were met; the paperwork complete. In fact, in just a few days I will be setting my surgery date. A New Beginning. 

 So here I am. 5ft tall and 320 pounds. I’m looking square in the eye of a 200lb ball of fat I will be leaving behind. I am ashamed – no, not ashamed…not pleased to say I gained a whopping 60lbs over the last year. Heartbreak and depression will do that to you.

I see now my weight is a symptom of the same issues that have held me back my whole life. I’ve worked on the inside (am working), now it’s time to match the out with the in. And I am afraid of the new me. I’ve hidden behind my appearance my entire life – even when I was 90lbs and starving myself.

You see, when one is fat, it can be a sign (bright lights, flashing neon sign) that the turmoil inside has manifested itself outwardly. Now, I’m no therapist, although I have a great one if you need one, but I know my outside showed the ugly, dirty, love hungry, emotionally unfulfilled heart of me. Food was a comfort. Existing was an exhausting challenge. Food and sleep or just zoning out/shutting down filled those holes. Temporarily. They just kept running empty, growling for more filler. 

 By “fillers” I mean food. Sleep. Men. Three of my favorite things – in that order. Funny thing is, when your as fat as I am, men don’t look at you. They don’t. They see right through you as if you don’t exist. Or just don’t look my way at all. Many people do in fact.

I very often struggle with feeling ugly and/or invisible. Which, I know, because of the sexual assaults and abuse in my past, is exactly what I want to feel and be. Invisible.

But invisible is not possible. 

 Well, since I can’t be invisible, I became fat. It felt good. I ate. I slept. I worked. I’d repeat. This layer upon layer of fat is insulation from the world. It’s safe here. Men didn’t hurt me. They didn’t even see me. Only one man saw past the fat into my heart and soul and he broke my heart. That was last year. I hurt so badly all I did was eat, cry, and sleep. I couldn’t even breathe. Thus, a 60lb weight gain.

I’m ready to make more changes. 

 I expected to be nervous. I’m not. I expected to be giddy with excitement. I’m not. I’m calm and confident. That’s how I’ve always known I was doing the right thing. Calm confidence. Oh, if only I had held out for calm confidence in all areas of my life; in all decisions. The heartache I would have avoided would be immeasurable. Bygones. 

Here and now. That’s where life is!

A year and a life changing program later that gave me tools to take back my life, I am stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been. And a year from now, my body will be too!

I am a strong, confident, capable, secure woman in my Father’s arms! 

 
My body is beautiful. Fat or not. I don’t always believe that, but I know my heart is beautiful.

I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN.

I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED MAN.

A 9 month affair. It ended over a year ago. It was beautiful in a completely fucked up and delusional way. Everything I thought was good and loving was a lie. I was a lie. I was an imposter – a secret intruder. Admittedly, I went a bit out of control and slightly stalker-ish after the big reveal. I was hurting and abandoned – old feelings came up and emotional panic ruled everything in me. I was scared and alone…again. I was tossed out like the trash I lived as.

I was broken. Broken people either attract other broken people or try to break people. We don’t want to be alone in our misery. And I needed company.

What was inside me became what I wanted others to feel. I created it so please don’t mistake me for seeing myself as a victim.

Since then, I’ve worked hard to create a healthier life and heart for myself. I struggle sometimes, but don’t we all? I want to be a positive, loving, godly woman. God knows me. He loves me just as much as you.

Right now I am fighting hard to hold on to the dignity I’ve earned back. As I’ve said before, I was part of a duo that hurt somebody in the worst way possible. I’ve worked hard to never be that person again. That parasitic, love hungry, selfish, spiteful person. I’ve worked hard to earn my dignity and self respect and self love back. What I have worked for I work for daily, sometimes moment by moment.

Yet at this moment I want to lash out at those who speak out of both sides of their mouth claiming to be doing so on a heart level. Maybe I shouldn’t word it that way, but hey, we’re all on a heart level now right?

I don’t want to fall into the trap of tit-for-tat. I don’t want to hurt someone I tore apart a year ago. I don’t want to be that person. I want to heal her heart and mine. It’s messed up, but it’s where I’m at.

Scream my name if you must. I don’t care. I deserve it and I’m prepared for it. I don’t know why all of FB-land doesn’t know my name by now. Are you trying to look like the good one? Is this a mask you put on? I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything to be honest. No need to make it looked as if you’ve saved me from something. You owe me nothing.

Feel better? I will tell anybody and everybody I feel drawn to. In fact, I’ve been CALLED to.

PS – I am more than the choices I have made. I am more than the sum of my past mistakes. I am more than the problems I create. I’ve been remade. — Tenth Avenue North “You Are More” (paraphrased)

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,900 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Why Authors Suck as Bloggers

Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:

Authors normally suck as bloggers because they write well. Their level of achievement prior to blogging keeps them from really understanding what blogging is. They don’t feel a need to be social on social media and that in turn creates their own frustrating predicament. How do they gain readers when they won’t even acknowledge the value of the reader? It creates a mind job for many established or newly published authors when trying to publicize their work. This is why authors suck at blogging because they refuse to really become bloggers.

There is still a stigma that blogging is not real writing even though recent years has shown evidence that contradicts this assessment. It is personal ego that really fuels this viewpoint. As with anything in life there is snobbery in this field. The “real writers” hate the “fake writers” that become more successful than they are. They find reasons…

View original 601 more words

Resolve the Impossible

Originally posted on adoptingjames:

goalsEvery year we make the same old resolutions then wonder why we fail to keep them.

I wonder if we don’t keep these resolutions because they’re not good enough.

Usually our resolutions aren’t made in order to change our lives – they’re made in order to accommodate our lifestyle, and let’s face it, not many of us are happy with our current 9-5 lives.

Many of us are slouching around just to get to work on time, tune out on our lunch break, curse at the traffic on our way home, and endure screaming kids and crying babies during half-eaten dinners.

e2b56f21a5880a00c80d5122a2ea6627

And yet, our resolution is to simply get a raise or lose a few pounds?

I think it’s time to set our expectations – and our hopes – a little higher.

One thing I ask most people I encounter is, “What do you really want to do?” I’ve gotten answers from…

View original 354 more words

WordPress – The Truth About SEO

Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:

Let me share what I know about SEO, Google SEO, and how it all connects to WordPress. Some of you may know this info, but many are clueless. I’ll explain.

If you are hosted on WordPress.com you do not need Google SEO to find an audience. Your audience is right here already waiting for you to connect. That is on you and how much you want to be “found.” That doesn’t mean SOME of the advice you read on SEO isn’t relevant because it still can be. Photos will make your post more noticeable (I rarely use them), the title does matter (my titles suck), tags really matter (I mainly tag with the top traffic tags), and the time of day in which you post is also important (for me that is about 10 am – 11 am MDT due to a large American audience). If you self-host or cannot…

View original 845 more words