Since last May I have worked hard to dig out the old, ugly, painful roots of shame and guilt and brokenness. I have come a long way. I still have work to do.
I am working on the inside – now I wanna see on the outside how I feel on the inside! Soooo…
Last November I attended an informational seminar on Bariatric surgery. And in January of this year, I got serious. The journey to this point has been busy but smooth. It has been a clear path thus far. The appointments were met; the paperwork complete. In fact, in just a few days I will be setting my surgery date. A New Beginning.
So here I am. 5ft tall and 320 pounds. I’m looking square in the eye of a 200lb ball of fat I will be leaving behind. I am ashamed – no, not ashamed…not pleased to say I gained a whopping 60lbs over the last year. Heartbreak and depression will do that to you.
I see now my weight is a symptom of the same issues that have held me back my whole life. I’ve worked on the inside (am working), now it’s time to match the out with the in. And I am afraid of the new me. I’ve hidden behind my appearance my entire life – even when I was 90lbs and starving myself.
You see, when one is fat, it can be a sign (bright lights, flashing neon sign) that the turmoil inside has manifested itself outwardly. Now, I’m no therapist, although I have a great one if you need one, but I know my outside showed the ugly, dirty, love hungry, emotionally unfulfilled heart of me. Food was a comfort. Existing was an exhausting challenge. Food and sleep or just zoning out/shutting down filled those holes. Temporarily. They just kept running empty, growling for more filler.
By “fillers” I mean food. Sleep. Men. Three of my favorite things – in that order. Funny thing is, when your as fat as I am, men don’t look at you. They don’t. They see right through you as if you don’t exist. Or just don’t look my way at all. Many people do in fact.
I very often struggle with feeling ugly and/or invisible. Which, I know, because of the sexual assaults and abuse in my past, is exactly what I want to feel and be. Invisible.
But invisible is not possible.
Well, since I can’t be invisible, I became fat. It felt good. I ate. I slept. I worked. I’d repeat. This layer upon layer of fat is insulation from the world. It’s safe here. Men didn’t hurt me. They didn’t even see me. Only one man saw past the fat into my heart and soul and he broke my heart. That was last year. I hurt so badly all I did was eat, cry, and sleep. I couldn’t even breathe. Thus, a 60lb weight gain.
I’m ready to make more changes.
I expected to be nervous. I’m not. I expected to be giddy with excitement. I’m not. I’m calm and confident. That’s how I’ve always known I was doing the right thing. Calm confidence. Oh, if only I had held out for calm confidence in all areas of my life; in all decisions. The heartache I would have avoided would be immeasurable. Bygones.
Here and now. That’s where life is!
A year and a life changing program later that gave me tools to take back my life, I am stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been. And a year from now, my body will be too!
I am a strong, confident, capable, secure woman in my Father’s arms!
My body is beautiful. Fat or not. I don’t always believe that, but I know my heart is beautiful.