Cave Dweller

My surgery (gastric bypass) date is about 30 days away and already, I’m mouring the loss of my best friend: invisibility. I find solice in not being seen. If you’ve ever been fat, you will understand what I’m saying when I tell you the obese (not just overweight, but obese) are often overlooked, seen through, or even flat out ignored. We aren’t aesthetically pleasing to the skeleton skinny bodies our culture has been brainwashed to appreciate. We live in a shallow world in terms of what is considered beautiful and what is considered disgusting, aversions to acceptance and love. And being skinny (or fit as I want to be) means, people look at you. They notice you. People want to be around you because you feel better about yourself. Stressing!

But this is not he only aspect of invisibility I love/hate. My invisibility is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a safe place. Warm, cuddly in a dysfunctional way, and mine. I created it. I made my cave with sharp corners, dark halls, the cool dampness warding off the weak. A James Bond like keypad keeps intruders out. I’ll give you the code, but you must first prove yourself. The last person who truly saw me and to whom I gave the code destroyed all the hidden places I let him explore and bring light into.

I spent the last year with in a tug-o-war between what I’ve learned in a life-emotional bootcamp program and the urging to shut myself in the cave permanently. Thank God, the good, the light kept nipping at my heels. To be honest, I don’t want to be that weak girl, scared and huddled in the corner. But, this cave is what I’ve known for so long. What I’ve found safety in. What I’ve found isolation in. Maybe being a recluse, a hiding little girl cold and scared in my cave is just who I am. I don’t think this is the case. I think this who I have become after conditioning and experiences. When excrutiating things happen to us, it’s not uncommon to withdraw into ourselves. To hide. Deep in a cave of numbness.

The thing about living in a cave is, well, it’s lonely. I may not want to be noticed, but I still want to be seen. Sometimes I want to be left alone, no one to talk to or see or worry about. Perhaps this is residual of the depression that almost took my life 2.5 years ago. Over the last year I’ve worked to let light into my cave, to allow a visitor or two when my strength builds.

I have many friends, don’t get me wrong. But being a friend and being a friend who I let in are two very different things. Despite living in my cave, I am venturing out and spending time in the light of the world. And when the time is right, I’ll even let someone in, just a bit. Until he proves he won’t shatter the tender parts of me.

I’m not sure if this post even makes sense, sometimes I just write from my heart and don’t think about what’s coming out – no editing. Sometimes what comes out is pure poetic truth. Sometimes it’s schizophrenic drivel.

If you see me out and about, away from the confines of my cave, give me a wave, will ya? I’d like to know you saw me.

Rethinking Fidelity: Cheated on, or cheated out of?

Janna's LifeDay:

Deep thought. It touches my heart. I feel this.

Originally posted on vidinsinbrisbane:


Many people will agree that being cheated on, is one of the worst betrayals. To break your marriage vows, to be unfaithful, to break the boundaries you have set in your own marriage – simply terrible. I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment – it would be the ultimate betrayal.

As much as being ‘cheated on’ is horrible, I think there is something as equally insidious. That’s being ‘cheated out of’ something. What do I mean by this?

The standard marriage vows go something like:

I, take you to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part

You might not cheat on your partner, but are you cheating them out of a promise? Affection? Financial support? Love? Tenderness? Communication…

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Words are Cheap

Originally posted on The Abuse Expose' with Secret Angel:

So many of us have fallen victim to abusers and have become trapped in the cycle of abuse. We fall for their words and ignore their actions. What we all need to realize is that actions speak louder than words. What we see is really what we will get.

Words are cheap…
but many don’t count the cost…
for differences in words and actions…
have caused many a huge loss.

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Intimidate Me

Janna's LifeDay:

I feel this. Beautiful.

Originally posted on HarsH ReaLiTy:

Intimidate me with your words and actions. With your need to be important in my life. Make me feel your anxiety so that it is my anxiety. My pain.

Steal my words and use them against me. Clubbing me in the head with your definition of my interpretation. Bind me tightly to words of yesterday so that my expressions of today mean nothing to you. A blind eye sees nothing when covered.

Intimidate me because you must. Because my freedom outlines your own world of bars. Shatter my spirit and walk upon my broken shell so that you might in turn be inspired. Crushing dreams to create your own.


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The Weight Of Love

Since last May I have worked hard to dig out the old, ugly, painful roots of shame and guilt and brokenness. I have come a long way. I still have work to do.

I am working on the inside – now I wanna see on the outside how I feel on the inside! Soooo… 

 Last November I attended an informational seminar on Bariatric surgery. And in January of this year, I got serious. The journey to this point has been busy but smooth. It has been a clear path thus far. The appointments were met; the paperwork complete. In fact, in just a few days I will be setting my surgery date. A New Beginning. 

 So here I am. 5ft tall and 320 pounds. I’m looking square in the eye of a 200lb ball of fat I will be leaving behind. I am ashamed – no, not ashamed…not pleased to say I gained a whopping 60lbs over the last year. Heartbreak and depression will do that to you.

I see now my weight is a symptom of the same issues that have held me back my whole life. I’ve worked on the inside (am working), now it’s time to match the out with the in. And I am afraid of the new me. I’ve hidden behind my appearance my entire life – even when I was 90lbs and starving myself.

You see, when one is fat, it can be a sign (bright lights, flashing neon sign) that the turmoil inside has manifested itself outwardly. Now, I’m no therapist, although I have a great one if you need one, but I know my outside showed the ugly, dirty, love hungry, emotionally unfulfilled heart of me. Food was a comfort. Existing was an exhausting challenge. Food and sleep or just zoning out/shutting down filled those holes. Temporarily. They just kept running empty, growling for more filler. 

 By “fillers” I mean food. Sleep. Men. Three of my favorite things – in that order. Funny thing is, when your as fat as I am, men don’t look at you. They don’t. They see right through you as if you don’t exist. Or just don’t look my way at all. Many people do in fact.

I very often struggle with feeling ugly and/or invisible. Which, I know, because of the sexual assaults and abuse in my past, is exactly what I want to feel and be. Invisible.

But invisible is not possible. 

 Well, since I can’t be invisible, I became fat. It felt good. I ate. I slept. I worked. I’d repeat. This layer upon layer of fat is insulation from the world. It’s safe here. Men didn’t hurt me. They didn’t even see me. Only one man saw past the fat into my heart and soul and he broke my heart. That was last year. I hurt so badly all I did was eat, cry, and sleep. I couldn’t even breathe. Thus, a 60lb weight gain.

I’m ready to make more changes. 

 I expected to be nervous. I’m not. I expected to be giddy with excitement. I’m not. I’m calm and confident. That’s how I’ve always known I was doing the right thing. Calm confidence. Oh, if only I had held out for calm confidence in all areas of my life; in all decisions. The heartache I would have avoided would be immeasurable. Bygones. 

Here and now. That’s where life is!

A year and a life changing program later that gave me tools to take back my life, I am stronger and healthier than I’ve ever been. And a year from now, my body will be too!

I am a strong, confident, capable, secure woman in my Father’s arms! 

My body is beautiful. Fat or not. I don’t always believe that, but I know my heart is beautiful.



A 9 month affair. It ended over a year ago. It was beautiful in a completely fucked up and delusional way. Everything I thought was good and loving was a lie. I was a lie. I was an imposter – a secret intruder. Admittedly, I went a bit out of control and slightly stalker-ish after the big reveal. I was hurting and abandoned – old feelings came up and emotional panic ruled everything in me. I was scared and alone…again. I was tossed out like the trash I lived as.

I was broken. Broken people either attract other broken people or try to break people. We don’t want to be alone in our misery. And I needed company.

What was inside me became what I wanted others to feel. I created it so please don’t mistake me for seeing myself as a victim.

Since then, I’ve worked hard to create a healthier life and heart for myself. I struggle sometimes, but don’t we all? I want to be a positive, loving, godly woman. God knows me. He loves me just as much as you.

Right now I am fighting hard to hold on to the dignity I’ve earned back. As I’ve said before, I was part of a duo that hurt somebody in the worst way possible. I’ve worked hard to never be that person again. That parasitic, love hungry, selfish, spiteful person. I’ve worked hard to earn my dignity and self respect and self love back. What I have worked for I work for daily, sometimes moment by moment.

Yet at this moment I want to lash out at those who speak out of both sides of their mouth claiming to be doing so on a heart level. Maybe I shouldn’t word it that way, but hey, we’re all on a heart level now right?

I don’t want to fall into the trap of tit-for-tat. I don’t want to hurt someone I tore apart a year ago. I don’t want to be that person. I want to heal her heart and mine. It’s messed up, but it’s where I’m at.

Scream my name if you must. I don’t care. I deserve it and I’m prepared for it. I don’t know why all of FB-land doesn’t know my name by now. Are you trying to look like the good one? Is this a mask you put on? I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything to be honest. No need to make it looked as if you’ve saved me from something. You owe me nothing.

Feel better? I will tell anybody and everybody I feel drawn to. In fact, I’ve been CALLED to.

PS – I am more than the choices I have made. I am more than the sum of my past mistakes. I am more than the problems I create. I’ve been remade. — Tenth Avenue North “You Are More” (paraphrased)

2014 in review

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,900 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.