A year ago I started dating him. It was amazing. He was wonderful. I had never been in love before (lust and toxic love, yes. But not real good love). He was the man I had been waiting for. Except he is married. He told me of his wanting to leave his marriage, so I agreed to continue seeing him. Well, honestly, he didn’t convince me, I believed what I wanted to believe.
Of course there were reasons, justifications, excuses, untruths. I ignored red flags, and one love hungry, desperate woman settling for the tiny scraps of time she could get. After all, I didn’t deserve the good love, right? I opened my heart and took a chance after years in an abusive marriage with a serial adulterer, my suicide attempt, and recovery from my personal war with death. I opened my heart, my soul, body to this him (see my previous posts). So I fell deeper in love with this married man. I believed him when he said he would leave. I believed what I wanted to believe.
Nine months later, one three week separation from Wife and one move back into his marriage home, our affair was revealed. January 24, 2014 I lost my love and my best friend. I haven’t heard a word since. I still miss him – his friendship.
Sunday, two days ago, I met my ex-boyfriend’s wife. On purpose. For two hours. On purpose. And completely sober.
It all started when I made a decision to attend a life improvement program that she had gone through a few years back. She sent me a reply and asked to meet for coffee. I typically type and send. Then I frantically punch the ESC key feverishly trying to unsend. I knew this was different. I waited four days to reply and revised my response five times, had a friend read over it, and revised it again. Eventually, I agreed to meet. She needed this and it was the least I owed her after loving her husband.
We agreed to meet at a local Starbucks. THE most awkward five minutes of my life was when we first said hello. We ordered our drinks and sat down at a small table. I don’t recall how our exchange started. Our discussion went around the mountain and then straight into the mountain. This is where it got tough, I wanted to run.
Breathe. Tears. Quiet. Trust.
For the duration of our meeting I felt lost, convicted, yet safe. Wife is impossible to hate. Wife is good. Wife is light and love and gentle. I wanted to hate her. I dont know why. Perhaps to deflect my pain and anger and guilt. Instead I like her. I wish we were friends. Not for him. I do not want to ever see him, my heart still hurts, but like a knotted muscle it will loosen and relax. She is the type of person you want on your side, the type of person who would do anything for you just because she loves you.
She asked me difficult questions, I gave her difficult answers. She expressed her hurt, I accepted the pain I caused her. She refused to allow me to take all the responsibility, to be the victim. She empowered me to find my role, my part and grow from there. She refused my excuses/justifications. She held me accountable. She encouraged me to find the right life improvement program and to prepare my heart. She is working on forgiving me and told me to do the same.
She showed me love, mercy, and a healthy dose of her goodness and light.
Should showed me God.
Copyright JLL/My LifeDay Journey 2013-2014